i always hated that word but i realize that is what i am i always sat on the sidelines . I still do
i guess it is because i put a big wall around my self and i can't seem to tear it down
I realized it last night at our girls night out party at Hillary's house. Every one seemed to have a good time and I really didn't it was fun to stay out kid free to be among other women but i sat in my own little shell worrying about the winter months to come
how am i going to heat the house make sure my family has enough to eat kids are getting sick of hot dogs and mac and cheese and burger. Church food only goes so far. They want pork chops fried chicken spare ribs turkey once in a awhile not just at Thanksgiving when i get it from the storehouse. How i am going to give them a nice Christmas . Decorations are cheap and the got broke last year even our tree is not very nice looking branches are broke and the tree looks lopsided because of it. i got some stuff for the either on freecycle or i did a bad thing called I used Mr Discover to get a couple things .
I really hate struggling I thought marrying a guy with a degree would help out turns out he has a degree but it got him a job high school diploma holders could do. I thought about working but i have so many health problems i can stand or sit for a long time i tried babysitting but it didn't go well kid was allergic to my cats .
People are wondering how i lost the weight i have it is called not eating so my kids get enough to eat . I pray my break will come soon but that has been the lastfew years and we are still where we were when we got married struggling to make ends met living paycheck to pay check i try to save but then i need it to pay one bill or another .
I looked at the other ladieswho have drs as husbands and realize they are stable have nice house nice clothes the only house i could afford needs lots of work i was able to get it because i said my dad is a handy man and the problems could be fixed with in a year been here 2 years and still not fixed lack of money . as it was inlaws gave us the down payment as a gift to get a house
i know i shouldn't have these feelings i should trust the master but it is hard for me to i somehow am losing my faith real fast.