I am a cancer survivor
I have 1 eternal companion
1 daughter
3 sons.
my fair share of challenges
I am human

Friday, October 10, 2008

wallflower

i always hated that word but i realize that is what i am i always sat on the sidelines . I still do
i guess it is because i put a big wall around my self and i can't seem to tear it down
I realized it last night at our girls night out party at Hillary's house. Every one seemed to have a good time and I really didn't it was fun to stay out kid free to be among other women but i sat in my own little shell worrying about the winter months to come
how am i going to heat the house make sure my family has enough to eat kids are getting sick of hot dogs and mac and cheese and burger. Church food only goes so far. They want pork chops fried chicken spare ribs turkey once in a awhile not just at Thanksgiving when i get it from the storehouse. How i am going to give them a nice Christmas . Decorations are cheap and the got broke last year even our tree is not very nice looking branches are broke and the tree looks lopsided because of it. i got some stuff for the either on freecycle or i did a bad thing called I used Mr Discover to get a couple things .
I really hate struggling I thought marrying a guy with a degree would help out turns out he has a degree but it got him a job high school diploma holders could do. I thought about working but i have so many health problems i can stand or sit for a long time i tried babysitting but it didn't go well kid was allergic to my cats .
People are wondering how i lost the weight i have it is called not eating so my kids get enough to eat . I pray my break will come soon but that has been the lastfew years and we are still where we were when we got married struggling to make ends met living paycheck to pay check i try to save but then i need it to pay one bill or another .
I looked at the other ladieswho have drs as husbands and realize they are stable have nice house nice clothes the only house i could afford needs lots of work i was able to get it because i said my dad is a handy man and the problems could be fixed with in a year been here 2 years and still not fixed lack of money . as it was inlaws gave us the down payment as a gift to get a house
i know i shouldn't have these feelings i should trust the master but it is hard for me to i somehow am losing my faith real fast.

4 comments:

NatalieHemingway said...

Melissa- We ALL have those feelings. It's so easy to fall into the ENVY category and live within our means. Doing home care in this area I get quite the variety of patients. I start feeling so envious of the patients I get in Grosse Pointe... HUGE beautiful homes and money to spare. Guess What? They're not always happy either. I then go see my patients at 94 and VanDyke, or 7 mile and Mound, or even 6 mile and Woodward and my perspective changes. Sometimes you need to take a step back and really be grateful for what you do have. If it's been a while since I've been in those areas I start to feel down again too. My husband and I both have college degrees. Nothing is guaranteed. That's when I take a drive to Davison and Livernois. Snap back to reality. We actually have jobs, clothes (resale... but so what!), and a roof over our heads. The Lord really does provide for the faithful. Hang in there. ... maybe you and I will go for a drive in the ghetto soon.

Michelle said...

You've got mail! And I hope you can come (you'll know what I am talking about when you read your email).

Jen B. said...

Mel, life can be so difficult sometimes. I am sorry to hear that you have it so rough financially right now. I wish I had some words of advice or some ideas on how to get a better job for your hubby. Growing up, we were very poor -- my father rarely (if ever) has a regular job and despite is brilliance just could not get hired. "You're too old," "You're overqualified, "We really need someone with xyz degree." I remember going door to door selling donuts or washing windows or working 40+ hours a week at a family business when I was 12 just to survive. But at the same time, it such a great time. Eventhough we were kicked out of one apartment to another because bills were not met and we moved to 4 different schools in one school year -- we adapted and were happy. We were not able to do much or even buy much (thank goodness for 2nd hand clothing) but we turned on the radio and danced or made up plays and performed them or collected pinecones and made crafts. I am sure that my parents were more stressed out than they led us to believe but (and let me write in this bold for emphasis) WE HAD THE CHURCH AND A STRONG TESTIMONY OF THE GOSPEL and it got us through the rocky times.

What did I learn from this? I have an education that cannot be taken away from me. Maybe it is time for you to try to get some federal loans to get a career that can help your family. You are a person that is great with deails -- how about accounting? or what about teaching online (no set hours, just required grading coursework). Fine something that will give you flexibility so you can take care of yourself.

This can also be true for your husband. There are several loans or grants or scholarships available to a "nontraditional student". Your hubby may be able to go to school a few nights per week or maybe even online to get a Master's degree in something (he could even teach -- decent money with good benefits).

Just pray about it -- times are going to get very tough but you need to find a way to be happy and better yourself. Love you gal!!! Hang in there.

melissa said...

to Natalie i grew up in the ghetto of port huron michigan hardly saw my dad because he worked so hard to make ends met for us
to michelle we will be there
jen i know what it is like growing up poor and having to wear 2nd hand clothes i still do i hardly buy anything for my self right now i waer scotts jeans because my one pair are threadbaear and his are to big even with a belt
thanks ladies for all your help knowing i am not alone in this has helped and a few tears have been shed