I am a cancer survivor
I have 1 eternal companion
1 daughter
3 sons.
my fair share of challenges
I am human

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Since many people read this

People ask me how I am I say I am Okay well that is not the truth. The truth is I am not okay. I am beyond miserable. I am such a deep hole I can't find the way out. I have tried so hard to . I am ready to give up on everything.
I am not a good mother i don't have an emotional connection to my children . I guess it stems from my own mother who basically ignored me growing up and still does. I try to do things with just her so we can talk well she invites my sister or brother to come along I still feel like a tag along when I am around her . I was sexually abused my a priesthood holder when i was11 . Emotionally abused by my father. I have tried so hard to let these things go and move one but the hurt is there . I keep so much bottled up I am a walking ticking bomb . I have exploded big time. so the truth is out there I am so depressed I can't see the point of continuing on anymore . I have tried counseling it didn't work . I am taking the class offered at church and I found out yesterday what an awful person I am and I am destroying my marriage. I never had a good example growing up
I have basically withdrawn myself from the people who love and care for me I can't stand being touched i long for that again. I really want to be a different person i really want to change but I don't know where to start .


That Girl in Brazil said...

You just did. You just did start, by blogging this post.

I can tell already that you are NOT a bad person - if you were, you would ENJOY "ignoring your children/no emotional connection" and be thrilled about "destroying your marriage" - both of which I'm sure are exhaggerations. The fact that you want to be better PROVES that you are an amazing person.

I will take the advice you gave me on my blog and give it to you: get some help. Find yourself a support system. What you're feeling right now is not WHO ARE YOU - you're just sick. There is no shame in seeing a doctor - just think of depression as strep throat. Take some medicine, and you'll feel better. I promise, it won't last forever.

The Amayesings said...

I agree with "that girl in brazil", and would add: GET SOME COUNSELING!! Please go see your bishop for a referral. LDS Family Services has great people who can help. Because, while writing is a great tool to vent and self-analyze, TALKING to a professional will do wonders beyond what writing can do. These people are trained to help us heal too.

You're a tough cookie--you've made it through cancer and many other trials. This, too, you can tackle with the Lord's help. Hang in there. You're in my prayers.

The Amayesings said...

I re-read your blog and saw that you said counseling didn't help. I would still say "Get some counseling", but try someone new. They are all different, and maybe you just need a change. Try it again, so you don't have to make this journey alone and without some unbiased help.

Courtney said...

Melissa..I haven't kept up with your blog because I don't have your blog address. Honestly I got to your blog through someone else's. If taking the Marriage class is making you feel worthless then I am suggesting that you stop and retake it at a later date. You need to heal yourself first before you can start healing your relationships!!
Abuse is pervasive and affects every aspect of people's lives. You MUST get help for this... you can't will it away..and it just doesn't go away by itself!! I'm sorry your first counselor wasn't helpful..but let's try to find someone else for you! I know there are some good one out there!
I will call you!