I will be gone

Tomorrow I am going out of town for Halloween SO all you out there have fun

Boo

fun tag ( thanks Tia)

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car) It Grand Voyager
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream and favorite cookie)Vanilla Snickerdoddles
3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name) MJam
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)Purple Panda
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) Diane West Valley
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first) - Jam Me
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink put “The”) The Blue Colda ( virgin of course)
8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)- Theril Gerald
9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne, favorite candy) Old Spice Snickers
10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names ) Ann Michael

This is fun i tag anyone who cares to do it

why don't people pay attention

i was driving home after dropping the kids off at school and i was stopped due to someone not looking as they we crossing and the car behind me hit me she gave me her info and left
i think i am OK just shaken up and sore my neck whip lashed my bumper is broken but it still is drivable i hate driving

picture tag

rainey made Michigan with her hands in school and then painted I love you to
kisses and hugs

update on mel

I am slowly getting better I am talking more to scott and it helps to know that my friends read this and are trying to help. Saturday
i did something to my back we don't know what so i have been in alot of pain and on vicidain i hate that stuff just one puts me to sleep so i can only take it when scott is home at 630 pm so my house is a big mess he tried to clean it yesterday he got as far as making dinner and loading and unloading the dishwasher. I am even having a hard time walking sleeping sitting standing urgh i wish I knew what i did but no extra money means no trip to the dr, the vicidain is from awhile ago when i had money to see a dr. ( 3years ago when i was pregnant with nicholas)
I realize i have a great husband and he loves me very much . I would be lost without him He realizes I have depression and Is willing to help me out no matter what
Noah is doing so much better in school since he got a better teacher

Nicholas is to funny

the other day he fell down and said mommy I have to go to the hospital I said why He said because I broked my bones he gave me a hug and went on playing he knows how to make me laugh
in the car he will start singing along to his cd's we get for him at the library or start singing along to the opening songs or cartoons the other day he got a card in the mail and started
we just got a letter we just got a letter we just got a letter i wonder who it's from ( blues clues) what would i do with out his laughs

Since many people read this

People ask me how I am I say I am Okay well that is not the truth. The truth is I am not okay. I am beyond miserable. I am such a deep hole I can't find the way out. I have tried so hard to . I am ready to give up on everything.
I am not a good mother i don't have an emotional connection to my children . I guess it stems from my own mother who basically ignored me growing up and still does. I try to do things with just her so we can talk well she invites my sister or brother to come along I still feel like a tag along when I am around her . I was sexually abused my a priesthood holder when i was11 . Emotionally abused by my father. I have tried so hard to let these things go and move one but the hurt is there . I keep so much bottled up I am a walking ticking bomb . I have exploded big time. so the truth is out there I am so depressed I can't see the point of continuing on anymore . I have tried counseling it didn't work . I am taking the class offered at church and I found out yesterday what an awful person I am and I am destroying my marriage. I never had a good example growing up
I have basically withdrawn myself from the people who love and care for me I can't stand being touched i long for that again. I really want to be a different person i really want to change but I don't know where to start .

Pain

It is so hard to admit when you really hurt someone then ask for their forgiveness. Since I did what I did to a good friend I realize People who used to talk to don't they see me coming and walk away . I guess I had it coming to me. I still am racked with guilt to the point I don't think I will go back to church and face anyone anymore .

How would you answer this

And Mormons Aren't the Only Ones

0/24/2008 – DEAR MARGO: I am 18 years old and have recently come to terms with the fact that I am gay. The enormous issue with this comes from the fact that I am of the Mormon faith, which famously takes a strict stance on homosexuality. I attend a church school in Utah, and living in a hostile, homophobic environment is taking its toll on me. I am trapped in feelings of self-loathing and doubt, and I wish for nothing more than to have heterosexual feelings. On the one hand, I do believe in the religion and know it has done great things for me, but I also feel like I can't stay a member of the church being who I am. I am afraid that if I live as a gay person, I will be sent to hell in the afterlife, but if I remain celibate in the church, I will be completely miserable. This issue has caused intense bouts of anxiety and depression. I feel trapped with nowhere to turn.

--- BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE

DEAR BE: This is just a guess, as I am no statistician, but there have got to be more gay Mormons than just you. I would posit that you could find a liberal Mormon psychologist who might be helpful to you. It would be a shame to give up a religion you feel has done a great deal for you, but conversely, you are who you are, and it is my understanding that one's religion should not cause him pain, anxiety and guilt. As for wishing to miraculously have heterosexual feelings, you might as well wish for eyes of a different color than you were born with: It's not going to happen. Granted, no one has yet come back to report, but I am highly skeptical that gay people go to hell as a group. I hope you find either a religious or secular counselor who can help you and the Mormons coexist. You might try this site, as well: http://www.affirmation.org/about/.

I am creative

I made nicholas a costume he wanted to be a car so i made him a car . I took a box painted it red made wheels out of black paper plates i found construction paper for headlights and brake nights and it even has a steering wheel it looks so good
i will post pictures as soon as it is all finished

To a Dear Friend

We are all hear to help each other out. No matter what happens in life. I think that is why we are told to find a spouse so we will have a help mate to keep us on track . Even if we don't have a spouse we have family to help us out. Friends are some of the best to have. No matter what we are like there is that one special friend we all have to help us when we fall . Nicholas told me the other day I am his best friend. He is right I have been there since day one to help him in his journey these last 2 years. My dear friend is hurting right now. She is so frustrated at life and at people. I think we all get that way . If anything could you all take a moment out of your day to say a prayer for this friend maybe then she might start to see the blue sky that is over the horizon and things will work out for her.
Dear friend I love you very much I am Here to help you Weather This storm. Maybe that Is why I had the Feeling to move here. On of the talents the lord blessed me with was touching the lives of others and I have

i have good friends

they love me even though i did something mean to someone else
they love me enough to take me out and shoot the breeze
thanks to this friend it was fun to do that
i really needed just a few minutes from home just to talk
so thanks again

i relized i have a great husband

1 he didn't give up on me when i was going through chemo he stayed by my side even though he was in Japan he kept my spirits up with emails

2 he put up with his mom and trying to give us a list of reason why we should wait 5 more years to get married ( we didn't wait we were married 7 months later)

3 He is there when i need a good friend to talk to

4 he shares my hopes and dreams

5 He loves me enough to know that i have bad days and say mean stuff about him but knows I really don't mean it

6 He loves me enough to spend eternity with him

I know from reason number 1 we can weather any storm life throws at us or we create
so YES I REALLY LOVE HIM DESPITE HIS QUIRKS

Satans grasp

this is what i have been thinking about lately mostly these last few days . I remember given the lesson in relief society a couple weeks ago about storms of life. We all have them but if we build a foundation on Christ when the fiery darts of hell are sent we will be able to withstand then . I now know from my experience that I really don't have that strong of foundation. I let my anger get the better of me Saturday when I posted malicious and hurtful things about a family of friends I have. I yell and scream at my family I am very miserable i feel sorry for myself but I try and help my friends who are further down that pit then I am . these are the tools he uses he makes you miserable so you start to doubt your faith and let the foundation crumble. I remember talking to my mom and she said after a conversation i had with her makes since to me
Me Mom I thought once you got married in the temple and wore the holy garments that he couldn't have a grasp on you
Mom Melissa He won't as long as you work hard at your part and remain faithful to keep him away.
I know realize since I put them one I have been letting my faith sway and haven't been doing what i should to remain strong. I talk about reading the scriptures but they sit unopened I say i will pray more often but i can't get on my knees and face my father with my problems or concerns I want to go to the temple and do work for my family or just sit there and listen to that still small voice i remember the time it whispered you are having a baby and you will be fine but i use the excuse i don't have time or i can't find a sitter
I go to church but my spirit is absent It is hard to focus on the talks when you have 3 miss behaving children and you take them out so others around you can hear . I go to my class but my mind i somewhere else . So his grasp is strong on me I have tried to change but i gave up when i didn't see the results fast enough i want to go to the temple but when will i get there i am closer than ever to one i think to day when Nicholas takes his nap i will focus on reading my scriptures and really focus on them i am sick and tired felling worthless to my family i fell like i don't matter to anyone i am just here to make sure they have clean clothes and food in their bellies i am sick of the feelings i have i want them gone I want to be the person I know I can be it is going to take alot of work on my part but i am really wanting this . is there anybody out there who wants to start reading scriptures together and discuss them together
i want my friends to know what is going on with me maybe they can help me out i really need friends right know there are times i want to really give up on every thing i want that felling gone

Angels among us

I was trying to get nicholas ready for bed he is running a fever and is all stuffed up and well there was a knock at the door and scott saw no one then looked down there were bags of food and some nice clothes for me so who ever you are thank you very much you have brightened my day despite what i did to my friends i hope one day to repay the favor and what is neat is the angel knew my size thanks again my secret angel

what i want

I want those people who read my blog that started all the problem on Sunday to forget you read it don't be so quick to judge. I am working it out with the party i hurt. I don't want to lose any friends over this. for those who don't know I have Known the party since i was14 and the wall flower at a church dance. she started to talk to me we became friends even though we were in different wards then she moved into mine we were the best of friends were counselors at camp together went on youth trips together had fun together then she moved i lost her it hurt bad I had no friends at church we were each others support . Then when it came time to look for a house over here i had a strong feeling to settle into the house i did at the time I didn't know why until i walked into church the first sunday and there she was at the time it was i know that face that voice and we kept looking at each other and finally it hit us we found each other we still don't know the reason why maybe we never know but the concetion was just as stong she has been the sister i never had even though i have a sister and i am the little sister she never got the chance to have .
I called her and we are working this out so like i said forget everything i said before most of it was stuff and i should of went right to the source instead of them hearing it second hand. i never had the idea so many people read my blog i thought it was a select few . I guess i really should of found a diffrent way to vent my feelings.
The reason i stopped talking to Laurie is because I didn't want her to worry about me and all my problems i am having I am having more than anybody knows even my husband dosen't know half of them. I am greatful for our friendship and I never want that to change
As for the Bishop he is a great guy we all have to give him a chance. we all have to learn to get along with each other dispite our diffrence we all share.
As far as the sister I visit teach that was second hand info also who knows the real reson. As for them taking advantage of people I don't really know why I put that. That should of been info that I found out form the party why they felt that way .
I have gone inactive because people i thought were my friends were not. I was constantly made fun of because of the way I looked Dressed talked
I was short and skinny wore glasses have a hard time reading i still do and i can't say words with r's and s's or l's real well becaus eof a speech problem. I wore my mom's clothes and shoes.
I don't want this family to go inactive because of me or anybody else
I have really found out how or words and deeds can hurt someone we love and others around us i am trying my hardest to work though this and it is going to be hard to face them and ask for forgivness from them i hope i get it for i am trully sorry
like i said before lets all of us forget this ever happened and move on with our lives in the mean time they could use help moving ans cleaning up the old house into the new please find time to help them or see what you can do for them they are a good family despite them being what does leeann say Adam's ( meaning weird like the tv show the Adamm's family )

what i have learned

that I to can also be heartless and I can not say I am sorry enough to make the hurt I am feeling away . People who know me are probably surprised by the behavior I displayed a few days ago. I really have no excuse for it. I have been know to keep feelings and stuff bottled so much inside that it finally burst and a few people got hurt in the process that I am Truly sorry . I don't want to lose friends because of this . I really don't have a lot of close friends it has been hard for me to keep the ones I've made due to moving since I have been married .
I am again truly sorry and I pray you can forgive me and we can work this out .

i will explain

my last posting I admit wasn't very nice. I am sick of the back bitting and belittling i hear go on amongst people who say they are your family or friends. I admit i shouldn't of wrote what I wrote. I was upset and I am having a hard time right now if you read my other posts. I snapped I couldn't bottle it up inside anymore It has been a source of stress for me trying to be neutral and stuck in the middle of peoples fights and problems . but what hurts the most right now is someone read this and told the person all about it and even gave out my blog address to that person. Well they couldn't even confront me had had to go to a second source and have that person ask me why i did it. They accused me of not knowing all the facts well I admit I didn't but i wrote what I have been told over the course of the last 2 years i have lived here either by them themselves or from reliable sources . I would like to thank that person who told on me and gave out this address I will ask them how would they fell if i gave out their info from their blog and then their address .
to the person who is mad at me I am sorry I admit I had no right to say that about you or your family. please forgive me .

certain event s

today at church have lead me to delete this blog after today

out of the mouths of babes

today i was Visiting teaching Sis Schell and we were getting redy to leave and nicholas grab my shirt and goes mom has big boobies i was redder then the sweater i was wearing

saw the doctor

yesterday did a pee test and a blood test they say it is negative both time or it is to early to tell if i am in the family way if i am not that is well with us scott and i decided not to get our hopes up in case i am not the doctor said chances are still good with the symptoms i am experiencing it took my aunt 3 months with the same symptoms to figure out she was in the family way .
SO they took more blood to send to the lab at the hospital to see if there may be any other thing causing these symptoms.
So for now i am anti nausea pills and i will know in a week what the tests results are.
. So for know i am putting all my faith in our father above to help me through this and i trust his decisions whatever they are

6 things about Mel

I am taking Hillary's Challenge
6 quirks about Me

1. When I get a big smile because I am really happy I am been known to stick out part of my tongue


2 When it is summer or winter spring or fall and the sun goes down I am always cold you will find me wrapped in a blanket even in the hottest part of summer i can be 90 when I go to bed and I am still huddled in a blanket

3 I stress about being late I hate being late if the invite says 7 i will be there 15-10 minutes early

4 I am a very disorganized person . If I organize my stuff I can't find anything.

5 I am always trying to change how I look because Cancer altered how i look and I still am not over that hurdle

6 This one is for Scott If I wear socks during the day they stay on at night even when scott and I are intimate but hey he still loves me
Like Hillary I tag anyone who cares to answer

Rules:
1.Link to the person who tagged you
2.Mention the rules on your blog
3.Tell 6 unspectacular quirks about you
4.Tag 6 following bloggers by linking to them
5.Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they've been tagged.

Fun with a friend

Michelle came over today and the boys played and we played Rock Band together we even did Sabotage and dedicated it to Ann . It is fun to be surrounded by family and friends the baest part was being able to help her with emily i fed her and put her to sleep but before that we were carring on a baby conversation it is neat to see the expressions their little faces make when you talk to them she even responded
thanks michelle for a fun afternoon

weekend fun

we took the kids to the park and played tag and chased them around then we did chores
I listened to my daughter scream you hate me because i asked her to clean her room i ignored her i laughed when scott went in there to see what he could do he said your mom cleans all day even the walls and ceilings at that part i laughed real hard i said boy i must do it while i'm sleeping no wonder i am tired then we played family rock band nicholas looked cute trying to use the guitar with the strap over him.
Sunday i woke up pukey and dizzy i have been that way for a week but i still taught the lesson in Relif society chapter 19 standing fast in the storms through life that lesson really hit home concerdring my last post . I have learend to move on .
I am on a bland diet until my systems pass dr. rhodinzer's orders last saturday before confernce i was having really bad stomach cramps and was passing blood but i still hosted my confernce potluck at my house despite felling bad.
from tuesday on i have been pukey and sick i hope that soon passes or off to the dr i go to see what is causing this. Josh is thinking a food allergy scott is thinking baby on the way i get this way every time i am in the family way iwon't know for another week i hope it is option 2

wallflower

i always hated that word but i realize that is what i am i always sat on the sidelines . I still do
i guess it is because i put a big wall around my self and i can't seem to tear it down
I realized it last night at our girls night out party at Hillary's house. Every one seemed to have a good time and I really didn't it was fun to stay out kid free to be among other women but i sat in my own little shell worrying about the winter months to come
how am i going to heat the house make sure my family has enough to eat kids are getting sick of hot dogs and mac and cheese and burger. Church food only goes so far. They want pork chops fried chicken spare ribs turkey once in a awhile not just at Thanksgiving when i get it from the storehouse. How i am going to give them a nice Christmas . Decorations are cheap and the got broke last year even our tree is not very nice looking branches are broke and the tree looks lopsided because of it. i got some stuff for the either on freecycle or i did a bad thing called I used Mr Discover to get a couple things .
I really hate struggling I thought marrying a guy with a degree would help out turns out he has a degree but it got him a job high school diploma holders could do. I thought about working but i have so many health problems i can stand or sit for a long time i tried babysitting but it didn't go well kid was allergic to my cats .
People are wondering how i lost the weight i have it is called not eating so my kids get enough to eat . I pray my break will come soon but that has been the lastfew years and we are still where we were when we got married struggling to make ends met living paycheck to pay check i try to save but then i need it to pay one bill or another .
I looked at the other ladieswho have drs as husbands and realize they are stable have nice house nice clothes the only house i could afford needs lots of work i was able to get it because i said my dad is a handy man and the problems could be fixed with in a year been here 2 years and still not fixed lack of money . as it was inlaws gave us the down payment as a gift to get a house
i know i shouldn't have these feelings i should trust the master but it is hard for me to i somehow am losing my faith real fast.

I got my wish

because i took it up with the school board yesterday and what i said to the principal yesterday that the school and teacher is not working for him we would have to change schools . she got real concerned when her boss called her ( the superintendent) called and talked to her. I got called into her office this morning and well HE got switched to the other kindergarten class to get him away from the kid who would egg noah on to cause him trouble . We had a nice long chat and the new teacher is has patience to teacher them she worked wonders with my friend's little boy
glad that is taken care of .
I am so like my dad always willing to help others no questions asked and when something is wrong you fight like mad to make it right even if it means getting the other person or persons in my cause in trouble because you know what is right for your family .

on to other news Sister dial now has a granddaughter . Olivia Vonda Dial was born last night at 9:30 pm weighing in at 8lbs 14oz and 21 inches long she is a cutie ( Bryce and Adrienne little girl )

why I hate Public Schools

Noah was SUSPENDED today . Reason teacher said he pulled down his pants and exposed his butt. I came to get him and he was crying so hard i could hear him outside . I asked what happened in front of the principal and he said Lovey did it and he was blamed for it . I tried to talk to the Principal telling her Mrs Ingram has been telling me things he is doing and I ask him why he said he doesn't do it. He said he doesn't want to go back and he hates her his words. I was told he isn't teachable he isn't ready for kindergarten and I couldn't pay her enough to teach my son. I am sick of this having him come home crying because he is being bullied by the teacher and the principal won't do anything about it. I flat out yelled to the anyone who was in the hallway Noah we are going to Place you I a different school because this school teacher and Principal is not working for you . She walked away like good riddance .
So I am talking to the superintendent to see what we can do with Noah . I hate to have to uproot rainey she is not real good with change and she is adapting nicely to the teacher and her surrondings.
I am ready to homeschool him if i have to
Yes michelle i don't like her peronalitty either.
Since Noah cut the little girls hair lets say a little snip he can't use scissors so Mrs Ingram cats out his stuff then give shim stickers that say good job. What is that telling noah that everbody in life will do your work for you . She flat out gave up trying to teach him the second he walked in the first day and he had a hard time sitting still ofr a couple minutes

Noah

is ADHD according to the school . They want us to medicate him. WE want to do alternative actions. we need help ladies . For those who's husbands have had medical training can you find out from them the pros and cons of the meds they would put him on if needed we don't trust or family doctor either i 'm afraid he might side with the school to medicate him
we enrolled him a karate class and what a difference the teachers says his name one and then says
chariot ( means attention) then he is fine i want to tell the teacher this but every idea i give i feel is not used in the classroom or he would be more attentive he has gotten a yellow card which is ok and then he tells me and the teacher says that is not right he did something when the last bell rings so i had to put red marker over the red what a negative influance she is having on his self estemm he comes home crying and in a bad mood and when he gets the yellow or green cards they mean he is having an ok or good day he is happing willing to help out. if he gets the bad cards he won't come out of the class room and stays in there crying she goes i don't know why he is crying it is like she dosen't care urgh
we have decided to keep in in with her maybe she will get the point it is her sometimes that causes the problems with our son.
but we know he is learning he comes home with stars and good marks on his papers

Publish Post

here it is my song

One Against the Storm
Written By Melissa Grattan Jamison

Lord what are these feelings why can't I set them free
when I've done all you asked of me
I'm full of doubt and pain
I've lost all I wanted to gain
Where have you gone
when I need you
are you really there
listening to me
I try to be the person you want me to be
but I struggle to be me
I put on a face the world wants to see
but that face is not me
Where have you gone
when I need you
are you really there
listening to me
Father I feel you when I started to let the pain go and the doubt fly
now I am who you want me to be
A choice daughter of you to gain all you offer me
You were there all along
when I needed you
You were listening
To ME

There it is I wrote this last June when I was having a really bad
and I don't give anyone permission to post it on there blog with out first contacting me I don't want anyone else out on the web taking credit for it i needed to get this published so please don't take offense if you think i am being rude

Piano lessons

they are getting harder i am only a couple songs into my second level book and i have to play a bit of Hungarian Rhapsody No 2 It is COMPLICATED so i look it up on the computer and found out the song is 13.05 minutes long i only have to play 3 minutes of it and the piece i have to what i heard is the easy part I looked it up on you tube and they have a cartoon with bugs bunny doing it it is called Rhapsody rabbit it is funny my kids liked it . I was ready to say i quit i can't take it anymore but i realize music is one of my talents and writing is another so in the back of my other piano book i wrote down some words and it is turning into a song i am hopefully get to set to music soon maybe i will send it to some people like hilary weeks or sally deford and see what they can do for me i will post the words in a bit when i find my other book

as for noah we are meeting with his teacher and the school counsler monday moring he only had 2 off days last week and 3 good days when he was getting out of hand she sent noah to the conslurs office and he came back in a better mood
sorry aboud spelling i have a headache and my hands hurt playing piano

More discouraging news

Scott got word back he was ineligible for the job with boarder patrol. They based there decision on a test based on a video test where he was given scenarios and had to reply what he would do in certain situations. to me that would be nerve racking . He passed everything else they told him to try again next year. Well now there is going to be more stress in our house because right now he feels like a failure to us. He hasn't been able to find right job to support us without church assistance . I don't know what to do anymore . I have a little boy who has no respect for authority what soever the teacher finds every little fault with him and marks down his behavior . We have tried working with her but like noah she won't listen to us we asked for him to be switched to another teacher we can't do that because or numbers . since he played barbershop he is not allowed to use scissors so she does the cutting for him he sits by himself he has come home covered in sand everyday last week he told the teacher teacher did nothing other moms don't like her either one kid said the song they were learning was silly he got marked down well it is a silly song .
i am so lost right know i don't know were i am . i need help in every direction
please pray for our family we really need it
scott and i are close to a seperation and i don't want to lose him i work so hard to make this family work but he isn't doing his part to help out