This last few weeks has been trying on me. Emotional physically and spiritually. I was planning a surprise party for my dad's 50th birthday . I am trying to cheer him up since his birthday is on Mother's day he thinks he will be left out and not remembered. I made a big mistake and telling my mom. She told my sister and well they decided to go and plan it their selves I had the whole menu planned and everything. I was asked to bring the jello. I have bitter feelings toward my mom and sister . I am thinking on mot going. but I don't want to hurt my dad's feelings. I know see where my dad is coming from when he says he feels invisible by certain members of my family My mom and sister are forever planning to do things together almost every weekend no body calls me or my sis in law to see if we want to come or hang out.
I have been having a lot of physical problems lately. We have been trying for another baby and no luck. I told Scott after alot of crying and heartache. I don't want to try anymore as much as I want another one I am sick of the heartache. Seeing the new babies and some of my friends expecting has been a reminder it is not happening for us. But I want them to know I hope they continue to have a good time caring that baby and all goes well. I have also not been sleeping or I don't have an appetite when it comes to food. I eat just to live not because I have an urge to or my body saying I'm hungry.
Spiritually I have been lost and confused . I was talking to Scott and saying I think I am going to quit coming this ward is starting to remind me of the one back home where we tried to get along but behind closed doors people talked badly about each other. I have heard some of this. It is not pretty. I am not giving names. It is so hard to feel the spirit when there are those feeling towards other members and you can feel the I hate to use this word Hatred. I try to be friend others I still feel alone.
That is when I heard the talk YOU ARE NOT ALONE WE ALL HAVE OUR TRIALS TO WORK THROUGH. He is right there are people out there like me I shouldn't have to walk alone . I have had my share of problems and there is somebody out there who has had CANCER Lost a loved one to it ( an AUNT, GREAT GRANDFATHER and I almost was me.) Who adopted because they couldn't have children MAYBE THAT IS WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO THEIR MIGHT BE A LITTLE GIRL OUT THEIR WHO NEEDS ME AND I NEED HER. WHO is ignored by family member sfor what ever reason.
I also got out of It I REALLY NEED TO MAKE AHOME OF COMFORT AND LOVE FOR MY FAMILY I HAVE BEEN DEPPRESSED THESE LAST FEW WEEKS THAT I AM IGNORED MY CHILDREN IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. I am glad Noah is doing better in school .
I am so glad I got to here the prophet and others talk the last few days and hear the choir sing I sang along with them even thought I have a cold and a squeaky voice.
but it was worth watching and listening even Rainey sat and was asking us questions on certain topics.